Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I doze for a few. Sometimes I make lists in my head. Sometimes something monumental hits me and it hijacks my peaceful sitting. Today was one of those days.
I looked around at the pictures of my family and I was both comforted and terrified at the same time. I saw the wonderful, magazine-like, unrealistically beautiful photos of my kids and my husband and myself that are plastered all over my home thanks to Matt & Ivy Photography [who we totally lucked out in befriending before they were the best photographers ever in the whole world].
[[see? they're the best.]]
It made me grateful for what I've been blessed with, and made me regret how much I'm letting slide. I'm not talking about birthday parties, or zoo trips, or even general responsibilities. I can let that stuff slide without a second thought... which probably isn't a good thing. I'm talking about memories.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss my mom. I lost her to cancer when I was 14. Being a mom has made me miss my mom on a whole new level. I get the urge to call her. Call her. She's dead. AT&T doesn't service that area of reality. I want to show her outfits I'm working on for my kids. I want to ask her how she felt when I did the things my kids do now.
[[my mom holding a screaming me at my christening]]
The good thing is, my missing her has made me determined to be more intentional about a lot of things for my kids. The thought of losing my kids is just as terrifying for me as I'm sure it is for any mom, but I'm gonna bet the idea of having to leave my kids behind is very different for me than it is for you who didn't lose your parents until you were adults, or those who still have them [call them... now. stop reading this and tell them you love them, even if it's hard because they're crummy parents or something. ask a question you've never asked them before. ask for a new photo of them. do it now and thank me later.]. I'm afraid to leave my kids, not just because I'll miss out on their lives, but because I know how they'll miss me being in theirs. So, I'm determined to do some things that take a little extra work. Things like...
- take pictures of myself -even when I look awful...
[[like this one taken right after the first time Eliza took a shower instead of a bath.
I'm not doing myself any favors here, but she's so excited!]]
- be IN our home videos [not always behind the camera]
- not be afraid to talk when I'm holding the video camera even though it's loud and awkward [I miss my mom's voice and have one home video where she speaks for like 3.7 seconds]
- back up photos and videos and store them outside of the house [safety deposit box, aunt-so-in-so's house, etc.]
- talk to my kids about what I think, believe, value, etc. so they know and don't wonder [I don't know much about what my mom really believed about a lot of things, or how she felt about certain things because we just never went there together when I was young]
- say things to them over and over that they'll remember came from me
- make things for them [we all keep our kids' flimsy mother's day presents to us, handprints, etc. but do we need them? it's less likely that those things will be around longer than them than it is that I'll be around longer than my gifts to them-- read that again if it didn't sink in]
- write down things about them, and experiences they'll forget [not a baby book of their weight, words, etc. but more like how I felt about them at times. what I wanted for them. where their nicknames can from, even awkward things like how long I nursed each of them because they may want to know some day]
Really, I think I'm doing a pretty poor job of all of those things, but I know that even the littlest bit of them will bring loads of comfort, answers, peace, etc. in the event that I'm not an old lady who gets to be a doting Gran someday.
Have you felt that loss? Has it sparked something in you? How are you leaving yourself behind for your family?
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